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Besides, I knew what I liked and I liked what I had sampled in the spa that afternoon. However, bringing women into the sexual mix was new and the source of my anxiety as we walked. I was afraid of being judged, especially about how I might be judged, having just given both of their husbands blow jobs a little more than an hour earlier. Of course since they were in on the original ruse, and if what Peter said about it being their idea was true, I was the one already judging them as evil bitches.I justified that my agreeing to go was in fairness to Peter, but the truth was that after overcoming the initial shocking prospect of the sordid act of swinging with two other couples, my heart was a rapid drumbeat of excitement confirming my addiction to new higher levels of risk.The cold was biting through my skinny jeans. I couldn't believe how much the temperature had dropped in the hour since I left the spa. The warmth of my down jacket only came down to my waist. I began to shiver but. Hit amine. The new guy was lucky; he just lost his right leg from the kneedown. Frank - when I got to him, he was sitting up against the side of ahouse, trying to." Ryan made a sound that was almost a sob. "He wastrying to shove his guts back into what was left of his belly. He lookedup at men and said, 'damn, I almost made it.' Then he just closed hiseyes and... and died." I trained with Frank; we were best friends, in the same unit for twoyears. We had each other's back in combat more times than I can count,and each time we got out alive, we got stinking drunk together tocelebrate. And..." He gave a deep sigh. "...ten days - ten fucking_days_ -- before we were due to be rotated out of that hellhole, he buysit. I-I can't go back to that." Now he _was_ sobbing. "I just can't.And I can't live with myself for being too much of a damned coward towant to not go back."Ryan looked up at Pauli, his eyes still glistening with tears. "Doesthat answer your shit-assed question?" It.
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